Upon first glance at this unoriginal title, I assumed Will Ferrell and Adam McKay (founders of the popular website, Funny or Die) were secretly pulling a joke over me. Then I saw the clown face and brief synopsis (not to mention a quick visit to IMDB) and I thought better of it. But since Halloween is the only time when I go out of my way to watch the worst-looking horror movies possible, please continue with my review! Scary or Die is a horror anthology that features five different stories, all submitted by users to the fictional website of the same name, similar to Youtube.

A border-town vigilante gets served backwoods justice when he brings the dead back to life, due to spilling his homemade moonshine onto fresh graves at the Mexican border in The Crossing. TaeJung’s Lament features young, sexy vampires in a tale of reincarnation. Re-Membered details the life of a killer-for-hire facing a guilty conscience, similar to The Tell-Tale Heart, with dire consequences. I squealed with glee when Clowned aired, the story of a ravenous clown-for-hire who feasts on human flesh.

What is it about clowns that freak so many people out? Is it their childish innocence being destroyed by a possible serial killer in makeup? Perhaps. Or, if you’re like me, not at all. I never had a problem with clowns, but they sure create a lot of scares at every haunted house in America!

The last chapter, Lover Come Back, is a quickie about New Orleans-style black magic revenge. Summing it up, each story involves: South-of-the-border zombies, female Asian vampires, flesh-eating clowns and N’awlins voo-doo mojo justice

Scary or Die, as a title, also reminds me of the groundbreaking 1988 video game, Skate or Die! and to a lesser extent, its 1989 sequel, Ski or Die. As a movie, it’s too bad I wasn’t reminded of good Halloween horror. Its piss-poor special effects were the only thing that made got a reaction out of me. But it make me think of a bad version of The Twilight Zone. Next time, I’ll just rent some foreign-language Asian horror movies with subtitles!

Review: 2/5