My sister and I are four years apart, so when I was graduating college, she was graduating high school. As a family celebration, we all took a whirlwind trip to Europe. Naturally, we wound up lost in a French subway without anyone able to speak the native tongue, and no one willing to assist the supposed “Ugly Americans.” It was a Christmas Eve that will live in infamy forever, so I speak with authority when I state that nothing quite makes a Christmas-themed movie memorable as a dental emergency gone wrong.
That’s the setup for IFC Film’s The Baltimorons.
Bad luck strikes Cliff (played with vigor by Michael Strassner) en route to family gathering with his girlfriend, er, fiancée, Brittany (Olivia Luccardi), when an emergency visit to the dentist on Christmas Eve turns into a string of non-stop misadventures as the super-cringey guy must overcome quite a few hurdles in order to maintain a stable life… but is that really in his best interest?
I’ve never truly needed an emergency visit to the doctor’s office on a holiday — although I have waited in pain for normal business hours, before. Didi (Liz Larsen) is the lucky dentist in question, who gets extracted from her expected family time, so she’s already a tad grumpy. But when she learns about her ex-husband’s recent marriage and her expected presence at their reception occurring later that night without any notice, it’s a tough situation for someone who’s about to use a very long needle and very sharp equipment who’s in a very bad mood. It only gets better for Cliff as the night progresses.
“They’re already out of food and we’ve got five or six felonies we’ve got to commit…”
If a movie is based around a holiday, like this one, and gets released on a non-holiday weekend, like this one (on September 5th), I simply can’t watch it until the holiday in question gets closer. It’s a matter of believability for me, but I’ve also got a lot of other films to watch that are not based around a busy holiday, as well. Much like The Holdovers, which was released on October 27, 2023, its yuletide spirit disintegrated long before the end of December arrived. Both films are definitely worth a watch, but they could have had much better box-office results had their wide releases been delayed.
If I was forced to describe this film by using a convoluted Hollywood logline, it’s kinda like The Hangover on Christmas Eve, with an unconventional romance. There’s plenty of crude, male-friendly humor surrounding a jaded, burned-out improv comic who’s already suffered cruel irony after a suicide attempt gone wrong. But now that he’s six-months sober, he must overcome the traumas of being fired from his troupe, preparing for the worst while being encouraged by his new newfound love.
Coming into this film, I was preparing for the worst, as well, since sappy holiday-themed romances are not for me. Luckily, The Baltimorons is not that kind of movie. Family obligations, acceptance and being true to yourself are themes that all sneak into the storyline, as well as not trying to cram a square peg into a round hole. As strangers, Cliff and Didi can actually let loose with each other, without worrying about limiting their personalities. She’s a workaholic who can never make time for her family. He’s a shlubby, polar-bear trying to cram his life into a 9-to-5 while denying his dream job. But together, they somehow make the perfect odd couple.
“I love a good ‘no.’ And I love a good ‘but’…”
I guess the ultimate takeaway from The Baltimorons is don’t be cruel to yourself. Everyone goes through dark times — especially during the holidays. Allow your life to happen and try not to be so negative. And never visit France on Christmas Eve. Oh, and movie studios, please release holiday-themed films closer to their actual dates.
There are too many good films released these days that get swallowed up or forgotten about within a week or two of their nationwide release. Good movies deserve to be seen. Hopefully, The Baltimorons will eventually grow its audience as it becomes available to more streaming services.
“The only reason why I’m still here is because the belt broke.”